Ask A Ho!!

Because I'm an Internet Celebrity many people send me messages asking for help. Its true, I am a celebrity. Anyways, I can't help everybody but I will answer as many questions as I can. Hopefully I will be able to help some hopeless bitch tonight. So lets get started!!

Facebook Question from 'Renee"      
1.  If you were given a box of Gary Coleman's Ashes..... what would you do with them?
  (A) I would INSTANTLY drop to my knees and Thank The GODS!!!! Then I would Piss in the box and throw the contents in the Filthy Face of that Bitch Bishop Eddie Long. I believe in Giving Back to the community.

Facebook Question ((Name withheld due to embarrassment))  
2. Dear Mr. Ho, I went to a Christmas Party and got the shock of my life. The sister of my Dad's girlfriend said she had sex with MY MOM!! Should I ask my mom if she is a lesbian?? What would you do??
  (A)  She couldn't have said no shit like that to me!!! I would have turned that party THE FUCK OUT. (I don't mean dancing either!) Don't nobody wanna hear that shit on Christmas!! Why is she telling you?? She THIRSTY for attention and she Pussy Hungry!! Next Time.... Slap that bitch in the mouth and then say, "Good Luck Eatin Pussy with a busted Lip!! ASSHOLE!!"

Facebook Question from "TheJazzyOne"  
3. Hey Ho!! You got any fashion advice? ((By the way, You have a beautiful soul and you make amazing jewelry))
  (A) Thank You so much for your kind words!!! I do have some fashion advice. I think my friend Lolita (#FashionIcon) would agree, the best accessory you can have is a pair of shoulder pads. Shoulder pads do so much. If you got a big ass, throw on some shoulder pads! People will be to busy looking at yo shoulders to notice your giant ass. I'm wearing Shoulder Pads right now!

Youtube Question from "Sally-Mae" 
4. Hi Ho, I think I might be pregnant..... what's a girl to do??
  (A) Look bitch either YOU IS or YOU AIN'T!! Go get an abortion anyway. Cuz you seem like the kind of girl who would give birth on the toilet and say some crazy shit like "I didn't know I was pregnant!"

Twitter Question from "Susan"
5. I think my son is gay. Men call my home at all hours of the night. Can you help me?
  (A) He either Gay or Selling Dope. Either way, No the Fuck I can't. Uh... have a blessed Day.

    

                            

Text Message Question from "Jennifer"
6. Hi Branden Ho! I love your Blog! So here is the Tea, Some old lady called me a "Bitch" on the bus! What's up with that!?
 (A) Gurl, you is betta than me!! I would have got up and Did The COMPLETE FOOL on that Ass!! Try this next time, "I know I'm a Bitch!! What's yo excuse You Monkey Mouthed CUNT!!!??" 




Text Message Question from "Everybody"
7. I HATE MY JOB!!!
   (A) Sounds like you hate your job. Well, Get the fuck up and walk the fuck out. It is just that simple. I should know I did it 3 times. Each job was better than the last in my case. If you open your mouth and say "I Can't..." then you Won't. So Don't complain. If you are not willing to make a change in your life, Sit back and continue to enjoy the BullShit. People talk shit about "Quitters". I don't because I am a fuckin QUITTER! "Fuck This Shit, I Quit" are words I live by! I will QUIT before I'll enjoy the BullShit!

 Facebook Question form "Desiree"
8. Explain this??

  (A)  To the untrained eye it looks like 2 friends enjoying each others company. Because I can see BullShit from a mile away....... that is Sweet Brown and Antoine Dodson! They THIRSTY Asses!!! Both of them get on TV and Do The Fuckin Fool and now trying to milk every drop outta that 3 minutes of fame! They have set the black community back at least 1000 years with that foolishness!!! I know Sweet brown was high as a fucking kite when she was on the news! Gettin a "Cold Pop" must be code for DOPE!!!



 

Thanks For all the questions guys! If you didn't know the T before, Bitch You Know Now!!

Friends, Facebook, & Fuckery

"Thank You For Being a Facebook Friend" 
~Branden Ho!


Am I the only one who don't take Facebook seriously? I log onto facebook for 3 reasons.
1. Promote My Projects.
2. Talk Shit.
3. Uh..... um.... uh..... I guess I forgot. Maybe it's only 2 reasons.

Anyways, Facebooks, Twitters & Instagrams has worked its way into the lives of people everywhere and now NOBODY got any social skills!!!! Ain't that some shit!! Let me list some examples. 

Do you know bitches like these? Is it You??

1. ((Friends with their Parents)) As soon as the shit gets heavy, the fight spills onto FB and the mother gets called a Bitch!! 2 weeks later they are friends again. Until the next fight and Daddy gets called a Cunt. Your parents must be fine with you being a Drug Addict and a Whore.

2. ((Thirsty Bitches)) You know them, people that be doin WAY too much. Drinking and Ballin EVERY NIGHT OF THE FUCKING WEEK, Volunteer work at the kids school, Church Deacon Board Meetings, Making it rain down at the strip club, Bible Study every other night, Smoking Drugs all day long...... 
Bitch Pleaze Come Off The BullShit!! When the fuck do you go to work??? Oh, you DON'T!!! 

3. ((The Couple)) The second some shit Jump Off everybody on Facebook be the first ones to hear about it!!! All the shitty details! Y'all provide all the gossip and have the nerve to get angry when people ask what's going on!!!
We get it!! Yo Pussy TOO BIG and His Dick is TOO SMALL!! Fix yo shitty relationship and Get Off The Internets!!!

4. ((The Break Takers)) The people who be on Facebook ALL FUCKING DAY, involved in all types of foolishness, and randomly say... "I'm taking some time off of FB. I just need a Break." Like it is a fucking JOB!!
A break from WHAT!!! Your Self Imposed FUCKERY??? Here is a tip, Stop being friends with HOES YOU DON'T KNOW!! If they full of shit in Real Life.... They Full Of SHIT on the internet too!! Stop mashing the "like" button on all the bullshit you see!! So you like "Bad Bitches From Da Hood" do you have to like the page??? No Bitch you don't!

5. ((News Watchers)) They wait until some tragic shit happen, break the sad news on Facebook, and then do the Fucking Fool!!!
Look Bitch you ain't the only one with a Fucking TV!! I know what's going on!!! I don't need to post Status after Status after Status talking about it, giving all Opinion and NO SOLUTION! If you say "I'm gonna pray for this country." THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PRAY AND GET OFF THE DAMN INTERNET!!!!

6. ((Whores)) Honey, everybody know you selling pussy. Get off FB and Sell it on THE STREETS like everybody else!!

7. ((Parents of small kids)) I don't even wanna be friends with YOU, why the fuck would I be friends with your Nutty Ass Kids?!?!

8. ((Taggers)) <also see 'Thirsty Bitches'> You know these Fuckers!!! They will post a picture of any and everything and tag you in it!! 
((I don't wanna be tagged in a picture of a Dead Body!! Who is this bitch!? I wasn't at this Piece Of Shit Ass Funeral!! STOP CHECKING ME INTO PLACES!!! I don't need every-damn-body to know where I am at all times!! Are you that STARVED for ATTENTION you need everybody to know you at the abortion clinic??


Are you askin what's the T? The T is..... Facebook ain't Shit! 

Catfish & Dick Pix!

Is anybody else watching that delicious show called CatFish on MTV? Well here is the T! It ain't got shit to do with fishing! Its all about people falling in love on the internets and finding out the person they love sooooooo much is somebody else! Imagine that, bitches tellin lies on the damn internet! So far I've seen 2 episodes and I am hooked! The one I saw today takes the fucking cake! This young white guy started talking to this "Hot Babe" on Facebook 2 years ago. She don't have a phone so she can't talk and no computer of her own so no video chat. Now, I'm thinking.... she full of shit! Who the fuck don't have a phone?? Every low life, raggedy, bitch in America got a phone! For 2 years they been messaging each other on fb every night sayin "I love You" and all that sweet shit. She even sends him some dirty messages talking about how she wants to "Blow Him" that's right, Pretty Mouth, Oral Sex, Lip Service! Then had the nerve to ask for some pictures! 

                                                                                     

He sends them! He sent her pictures of his Rock Hard Dick. To me this sounds crazy as Fuck! You can't get no pictures of my Dick, Butt Hole, or my Nips when we ain't talked on the phone, face to face, or video chat!  ((However)) I will send somebody a pic of my ass with a message saying "You can Kiss my Whole Ass." But that ain't what this is about! So they figure out her story is a bit shady and they arrange to meet her. They go to her house expecting to see some Hot Blonde Bombshell and a Fat, Black, Gay Man come to the door and was like "Yes, I'm Amanda!" BAM!! The bullshit hit the fan! The white guy kept his cool but you know he felt like shit on the inside! He been talkin all hot and sexy and sending dick pictures for 2 years to another MAN! The gay guy been doing this shit for YEARS! Using this profile doing the same thing to at least 100 guys! Needless to say this fucker got a collection of Dick Pictures that would make Bishop Eddy Long jealous like a Mutha Fucker!
I know y'all thinking What's Really The T? Here it is!

 The next time you get on the internet talking hot & sexy and sending Rock Hard Dick Pictures to some bitch who don't even have a phone.... don't do it bitch!! Because it is a crazy bitch on the other end, Pussy Drier than Graham Crackers, laughing at Yo THIRSTY ASS!!!   

Stay Blessed Bitches!!!

Taxi, Taxi ((May 24, 2008))

You Need another Abortion??

Today I was on the phone with a friend and after we finished discussing the latest plans for BullShit and Fuckery, she found a funny ad on Craigs List. A girl in her early 20's placed an ad looking for a Ride. The girl said she will be having an Abortion next week and needs a ride home after the procedure. She don't care who responds, she just needs a damn ride! 


With these High Ass Gas Prices! Honey, Get the Bus to the Abortion Clinic and Catch a taxi home! Yess Bitch a Fuckin TAXI!! Where in the hell are her friends? I would call My Friends RIGHT AWAY! If I call you and say "I need an Abortion!"..... Bitch, you betta pick up that phone so damn Quick, you'll get Ear Burn!! Ain't No Way In Hell I would be sittin up in an Abortion Clinic OR a damn Taxi by myself! 


What's Really The T?? Some people got a lot of fuckin nerve. They want all types of shit from you. Money, Babysitting, Good Advice, a fucking shoulder to cry on, and when YOU need something Them HOES ain't NOWHERE to be found!! With as many Baby Showers, Birthday Parties, Weddiings, Holiday Parties, Divorces, Hospital Visits, Periods, DRY ASS Phone Calls, Salty Throats, Abortions, Bullshit, and Fuckery that I been through with my friends!! Shit, Somebody Better throw my ass an Abortion Party!! 

Quote of the Day:
"Taxi, Taxi, Give me a ride. I'm gonna take you to the other side. Taxi, Taxi, Turn off your lights. I'm gonna ride with you all Night!"
~Cher

Porn & The Special Olympics ((2010))

Let me start by saying...uh Retarded People Hate The FUCK Outta me. Now on with the story!

A few weeks ago I was house sitting for a relative and the phone rang. The caller ID said 'Special Olympics'.

I'm thinking, "What's Really The T? Don't no retarded people stay here."

My inside voice said, "Bitch, Answer The Phone!!"

So I picked up the line and said "Hello?". 

Needless to say they asses wanted money! Money I did NOT have!

So the lady on the phone tells me some sad ass story about retarded kids needing money for games or drugs or some other nutty Shit. She offered me a free 1 year subscription to any 3 magazines in exchange for a small donation. Then the conversation went like this...



Me: That sounds GREAT!
Her: What magazine would like?
Me: Latin Inches. 
Her: (silence and typing) Uh...um.. We don't have that magazine.
Me:  Do you have Black Inches? 
Her: Uh... No, we don't have that one either.
Me: What about regular Inches? You got that?! 
Her: Oh... Uh... We don't have that. What kind of magazines are these?
Me: Gay Porn!!
Her: Sir, we don't have 'Those kinds' of magazines.
Me: Oh, you don't?? Well Honey, I DON'T HAVE TIME 4 "Yo Kind Of BULLSHIT!! 

Needless to say.... I got off that phone Faster Than Al Sharpton at a Klan Meeting! Lady have you lost yo Fuckin mind? Ain't no way in the FUCK I am giving you my hard earned dollars so these retarded kids can buy drugs and you not provide me Quality Magazin es!!




 That is when I knew the BullShit at the Special Olympics had reached an all time LOW! 




Maybe if these kids got off them damn drugs and read an issue of Latin Inches they would discover Life ain't all about fun and games!! Do you see anybody giving out Gold Medal Awards to the guy with the best Foreskin? NO! Because Life Is HARD!

The T of the day: 

"I may be new to Retardation but Bitch, I am NOT new to Stunts!"  ~Branden Ho!

The Ho! Health Crisis!

So I'm writing this blog entry to clear some things up. Because I am an Internet Celebrity, ((Yeah Bitch I Said It!)) I don't want the rumors to spread and burn outta control. It has not been easy balancing a full time job, a weekly volunteer gig, and being the writer, director, and Star of a popular animated Internet series. Simdaddy Productions So I went to the doctor after my Wrestlemania Vacation and The Shit Got HEAVY! 


I find out I had a hernia (I knew that. Reason for the visit) High Blood Pressures, a high BMI (body mass index) and something might be wrong with my kidneys. I said, "Shit!! JESUS take The Wheel!!" Good news was I don't have "DiaBettus"!! So my doc put me on BP meds and sent me to the doctor who would perform my hernia surgery. So I visit the new doc and he checks me out. Feeling the belly area where the hernia was located. He told me I would have to take time off work starting that day. (Music to my ears cuz I work at a BullShit Factory) He explained the procedure and told me what to expect and all that jazz. Then he dropped a BOMB that EXPLODED in my face and left me Speechless! That's crazy cuz Ho! always got something to say!


The doctor asked my age, I said 31 and he goes "Ahh a young man!" I laugh cuz he said I was still young. Then he asks if I ever had a prostate exam. I said no, and I was thinking "Okay bitch, time to get up, put yo shirt on and get the fuck outta here!" He explains to me that guys my age are being diagnosed with prostate and colon cancer and he wanted to give me a prostate exam. The look on my face must have been BLANK AS HELL! Cuz my mind was racing trying to come up with an excuse or a reason to leave. I couldn't come up with SHIT! For a brief moment my head was EMPTY! The only thing I could say was "Okay." My Inside Voice was saying something completely different!! 


Inside Voice: BITCH! Is you crazy!! Remember what you did last night?!?! 
Doc: ((Explains Butt Procedure)) Blah, Blah, Blah,...... Blah.
Me: Okay....
Inside Voice: He gone shove his WHOLE FIST up OUR ASS and lose his watch! BITCH, SAY NO!!!
Me: Okay...


So as I get into position (pants around my ankles, cold breeze on my naked ass) ALL I could think was "DON'T GET AN ERECTION". With his finger jammed up my ass... There was a KNOCK ON THE DOOR!!!  Then I turned over on my back so he could check my pelvic area..... and my dick fell out!
Inside Voice: His work is on the BELLY NOT THE BOOTY!
I was scheduled  for hernia surgery a few weeks later.


June 15th Surgery Day.


I went to the hospital Servin Up Pre-Sergical Realness!! Thank GOD I was near the ER cuz If any of my friends saw what I look like in my natural state..... they would Fall The Fuck OUT!!! They tell you to come in with no Jewelry, make-up, penis piercings, lotion, wigs, jockstraps, deodorant, cock rings, perfumes, nipple clamps, contacts, NOTHING!! I said I might as well show up naked DAMN!!! I have my first surgery and I was in the O.R for about 5 hours. My hernia was complex and I had two of them fuckers! Talk about a surprise! When they woke me up The  FIRST thing I said "Hey!! What the Hell Happen to my WIENER!!!??" They explained to me they put a catheter in. All in all, the procedure went very well. Almost no pain at all. I was released from the hospital the next day. My nurses & CNAs were GREAT! Recovery is going well. To everybody who asked...... I DID NOT HAVE FUCKIN WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!! Every time a fat bitch get hospitalized people always assume its because they got FIXED! Not the case with this Ho!


So Here Is The T! (Shit I learned the hard way)
1. When you laid up on the operating room table fast asleep, somebody WILL lube up they hands and  fondle your dick. 
2. Having a tube going through yo Pee Hole to yo bladder AIN'T FUN!
3. Whenever a good lookin doctor jam his finger up my ass....... I WILL get an erection.... EVERY TIME!
4. When a doctor say "Mr. Ho, can I see the tip of your penis? Can you pull the foreskin back?" and the door is WIDE OPEN, Its time to Go The Fuck Home!! ((I don't have any foreskin!))
5. When yo BFF don't call, text, or facebook message you during the whole ordeal...... She Don't Give A Fuck! Showing up at my house early as shit, 3 days later, leaving me a voice mail message after a month of not talking to me..... Only means You Don't Give A Fuck, We Not Friends, and I'm Fine. Thanks For Asking!


And That's The T! Stay Healthy Bitches!!! 

Wrestlemania Fuckery!

I went to Wrestlemania back in April. It was my first time in Miami and my first Wrestlemania. Before I go any further, let me just say the Show was AWESOME!!!! So you may be thinking "What's The T?" The T is the BullShit!!! I went with a guy who was a friend and most importantly a wrestling fan. We had been to a WWE live event here (Detroit, MI) but never out of town. It seemed like the perfect idea. I always wanted to go and this time I could afford it and he never been sooooo What The Hell...... We goin to MIAMI!! The plan went like this, I buy the Wrestlemania tickets, we pay for our own travel, and he pay for the hotel.


PROBLEM #1 He could not fly cuz he BIG AS HELL. Well not a problem, I love road trips so we went Greyhound. Plus it was so much cheaper than a plane ticket. It took a day and a half to get there. I was ready for the long journey! I had my music, snacks, and a book, (Ho! is always ready!) So we get to Miami at 1:30 AM Saturday.
 
Problem #2 We can't check in with his reservations until 3 PM. REALLY BITCH!!?? He said we can hang out in the lobby until then. I said "No the fuck I can't!" That was like 14 hours Fuck That Shit! So I paid for the first night. Saturday at Noon they can't find his reservations. This bitch did not call the hotel ahead of time to make sure everything was set up. He used a third party website and assumed it was all set. When you travel this far from home..... MAKE SURE ALL YO SHIT IS TOGETHER! It took about 2 hours to figure that shit out. 
Truth is, I was already sick of his ass! We had been in Miami less than 24 hours and I wanted to Punch this bitch in the throat! So we talked on Saturday (after the foolishness at the front desk) he told me that he uses HAIR SPRAY because he is too fuckin lazy to put on lotion. You got to be ONE LAZY ASS BITCH to spray yo Big Ass Body down with hair spray. He thought we had a great view from our hotel window. WE DID NOT! Let me show you the view......

As you can see South Beach is way across town! This hotel wasn't SHIT! So the day of Wrestlemania  (Sunday) I was not in the mood for bullshit and that is all he was serving. I think he is some kind of retard cuz he couldn't do shit but eat. He was trying to flirt with me or something but I shut that shit Down! I had to call a taxi to the hotel so I send him inside to get the address and he come out with nothing. He said it was too much to remember!! REALLY BITCH?? So I went in and got it myself. Then we get in the taxi headed to the arena, I was super excited and then the Shit got Heavy when we pulled up to the Sun Life Stadium. I pay the driver and jump out at the main gate. I get out the street and turn around and see this bitch still in the taxi!! He got pissed with me cuz I didn't wait on his fat ass to get out the car!! He said to me... "I don't get you! Why did you leave me? Just walk away then!". I looked at him like he was a fucking Unicorn!! Then I left him in the parking lot with 78 Thousand people! I kept my cool, I didn't flip out on him, I said 'Fuck This' and left. I had a great time at the show but I HATED THE FUCK OUTTA HIM. Then there was still 2 more days in Miami and 2 days for the long ass trip back home. I did not speak to him at ALL. 4 fucking days of SILENCE! So I know y'all thinking Is That It?  Fuck NO!! Let me give you the rest of the T!

 1. He would sit in the hotel room all damn day and not let Housekeeping in to clean or bring fresh towels or toilet paper. Look at that shit!!!
I went in to shave and there was 1 square left!! I thought to myself, "I bet you dollars to fuckin donuts he will try to wipe his Massive Ass with that one square!" I was right cuz 20 minutes later.... it was gone!


2. His bag was as big as mine and he didn't even bring soap or a razor. Don't listen to me shave with my new clippers and fuckin ask if you can use them!! NO BITCH!!! I would Shave every strand of hair off my ass b4 I let you use anything of mine!!!


3. He took a DUMP and left the bathroom door open. Then had the nerve to look at me like "Ain't no toilet paper." Sorry Bitch! I'd wipe my ass with a fuckin cactus before I give you the satisfaction of hearing my voice! You Nasty Fuck!


4. I was watching TV and he started to choke. I paid him no attention. That foolishness went on for almost 5 minutes.


5. He said, "I need to leave the AC on all night because If I get hot I'll have a seizure." I said, "You Full Of Shit." then I turned it off and he woke up sweatin his ass off!!


6. He sat in his bed and ate a WHOLE CHICKEN and 3 sides and FUCKIN CAKE!! He ate like a Wild Animal!! 


7. He took a shower and had to air dry. I took a shower and dried off with a FRESH TOWEL. When he asked if he could use MY towel I said, "NO! The last thing I need on MY towel is all that damn HAIR SPRAY!!!"


8. I was gonna 'Smothercate' that bitch while he was sleep. My cousin told me not to do it cuz they don't have Gay Porn and Klondike Bars in PRISON.  
             ((Smother + Suffocate = smothercate))


He clearly thought this was gonna be one of them Fuck Vacations...... Reality Check BITCH!!!!! I don't put my Dick near BITCHES I HATE!!!!! This bitch TRULY DID THE FOOL every day of this vacation!! B4 we left the city of Miami..... we were no longer friends! Here is The T! If you know you ain't shit, Stay The Fuck Away From Me!! Miss Me With The BullShit Completely!