I find out I had a hernia (I knew that. Reason for the visit) High Blood Pressures, a high BMI (body mass index) and something might be wrong with my kidneys. I said, "Shit!! JESUS take The Wheel!!" Good news was I don't have "DiaBettus"!! So my doc put me on BP meds and sent me to the doctor who would perform my hernia surgery. So I visit the new doc and he checks me out. Feeling the belly area where the hernia was located. He told me I would have to take time off work starting that day. (Music to my ears cuz I work at a BullShit Factory) He explained the procedure and told me what to expect and all that jazz. Then he dropped a BOMB that EXPLODED in my face and left me Speechless! That's crazy cuz Ho! always got something to say!
The doctor asked my age, I said 31 and he goes "Ahh a young man!" I laugh cuz he said I was still young. Then he asks if I ever had a prostate exam. I said no, and I was thinking "Okay bitch, time to get up, put yo shirt on and get the fuck outta here!" He explains to me that guys my age are being diagnosed with prostate and colon cancer and he wanted to give me a prostate exam. The look on my face must have been BLANK AS HELL! Cuz my mind was racing trying to come up with an excuse or a reason to leave. I couldn't come up with SHIT! For a brief moment my head was EMPTY! The only thing I could say was "Okay." My Inside Voice was saying something completely different!!
Inside Voice: BITCH! Is you crazy!! Remember what you did last night?!?!
Doc: ((Explains Butt Procedure)) Blah, Blah, Blah,...... Blah.
Me: Okay....
Inside Voice: He gone shove his WHOLE FIST up OUR ASS and lose his watch! BITCH, SAY NO!!!
Me: Okay...
So as I get into position (pants around my ankles, cold breeze on my naked ass) ALL I could think was "DON'T GET AN ERECTION". With his finger jammed up my ass... There was a KNOCK ON THE DOOR!!! Then I turned over on my back so he could check my pelvic area..... and my dick fell out!
Inside Voice: His work is on the BELLY NOT THE BOOTY!
I was scheduled for hernia surgery a few weeks later.
June 15th Surgery Day.
I went to the hospital Servin Up Pre-Sergical Realness!! Thank GOD I was near the ER cuz If any of my friends saw what I look like in my natural state..... they would Fall The Fuck OUT!!! They tell you to come in with no Jewelry, make-up, penis piercings, lotion, wigs, jockstraps, deodorant, cock rings, perfumes, nipple clamps, contacts, NOTHING!! I said I might as well show up naked DAMN!!! I have my first surgery and I was in the O.R for about 5 hours. My hernia was complex and I had two of them fuckers! Talk about a surprise! When they woke me up The FIRST thing I said "Hey!! What the Hell Happen to my WIENER!!!??" They explained to me they put a catheter in. All in all, the procedure went very well. Almost no pain at all. I was released from the hospital the next day. My nurses & CNAs were GREAT! Recovery is going well. To everybody who asked...... I DID NOT HAVE FUCKIN WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!! Every time a fat bitch get hospitalized people always assume its because they got FIXED! Not the case with this Ho!
So Here Is The T! (Shit I learned the hard way)
1. When you laid up on the operating room table fast asleep, somebody WILL lube up they hands and fondle your dick.
2. Having a tube going through yo Pee Hole to yo bladder AIN'T FUN!
3. Whenever a good lookin doctor jam his finger up my ass....... I WILL get an erection.... EVERY TIME!
4. When a doctor say "Mr. Ho, can I see the tip of your penis? Can you pull the foreskin back?" and the door is WIDE OPEN, Its time to Go The Fuck Home!! ((I don't have any foreskin!))
5. When yo BFF don't call, text, or facebook message you during the whole ordeal...... She Don't Give A Fuck! Showing up at my house early as shit, 3 days later, leaving me a voice mail message after a month of not talking to me..... Only means You Don't Give A Fuck, We Not Friends, and I'm Fine. Thanks For Asking!
And That's The T! Stay Healthy Bitches!!!
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