Fuck Zumba............ Foreals!!

Before I talk about the bullshit that is Zumba, I need to explain why I was there in the first place. During my last visit to the doctor I found out I gained 30 fuckin pounds in 3 months. It had been exactly 3 months since I started a new job. (The Food Is GOOD!!)  
That makes 50 pounds I gained in 1 year. That equals FUCKIN CRAZY FAT! So I joined a gym last month. 

The Journey:
Well, you know what they say, "The Journey Of a Thousand Hoes Start With One Step." 
I started my workouts simple, Walk the track, Hit the treadmill, Do some FaceBook, A lil Instagrams, and Hit The Showers!! First month I lost 20 Fuckin Pounds!!! So I thought its time to mix it up a bit, you know try some new shit, why not Zumba! The people on TV look like they havin a good time. My Inside Voice said "Nah Bitch, that's TV. You can't dance so Fuck that class and go back to the Locker Room!" I should have listened. The class was an hour long and I had pumped myself up with all kinds of excitement about this class. Telling myself shit like "Ooooh Bitch! You gone get in there and wear that dance floor out!!" "Yesssss Bitch! GET IT!! And Once You Got It....... Get Some More!!!" But my Inside Voice was sayin, "Bitch Is You Serious??!!"

So the door open and me and 15 ladies walk in. I'm thinking "Where is all the men?" ((That was the first sign of the BullShit)) The instructor didn't say shit to us. No "Welcome", No "How y'all doing" She just turned on the damn music and started dancing. So, I started dancing too! I quickly realised I knew NONE of the fucking dance moves and all of these women been in this class before!! So that made me the Fat Ho in the back Stumblin' and Fumblin' makin an ASS outta myself!! 

I'm sure I looked like this after 5 minutes.... (Like a Fuckin FOOL)

  
It just kept Going and going and going! Nonstop. I was waiting on the song to end so I could breathe! My 9th grade dance class with Mrs. Rowland ain't got SHIT on Zumba!!! I was sweating like Conrad Murray at a LaToya Jackson concert!!! 





It was too much for me. Everybody else is dancing and smiling having a good ass time. I was about to loose my shit. It was hot as fuck in that studio. It had to have been 100 fuckin degrees! How many damn times can I "Drop It Like Its Hot" "Shake Dat Ass" and "Dip It Down Low"?? 
Clearly Not Enough!!! 
On top of all that, I was wearing a Jockstrap for the first time! That Mutha Fucker was GIVIN MY FAT ASS THE BUSINESS!!!! It was Official I HAD ENOUGH!! "I've Fucking HAD IT!! OFFICIALLY!"
I look at the clock and only 15 minutes had passed....... I said, "FUCK THIS SHIT!! I QUIT!! 

 As soon as the music stopped I grabbed my towel and walked The Fuck outta that Hot Ass room!!! I sat down and it took 30 minutes for me to stop sweating!!!
 If this was a RuPaul Drag Race Lip Sync for yo life, I would have Turned That Shit Completely The Fuck Out!!! But This was NOT That! 
After 15 minutes of Zumba, If I didn't know what the Tea was I sure as Fuck Know Now!!!

I'll NEVER DO THAT SHIT AGAIN!!!

You Know You Ain't Shit!

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Ask A Ho!!

Because I'm an Internet Celebrity many people send me messages asking for help. Its true, I am a celebrity. Anyways, I can't help everybody but I will answer as many questions as I can. Hopefully I will be able to help some hopeless bitch tonight. So lets get started!!

Facebook Question from 'Renee"      
1.  If you were given a box of Gary Coleman's Ashes..... what would you do with them?
  (A) I would INSTANTLY drop to my knees and Thank The GODS!!!! Then I would Piss in the box and throw the contents in the Filthy Face of that Bitch Bishop Eddie Long. I believe in Giving Back to the community.

Facebook Question ((Name withheld due to embarrassment))  
2. Dear Mr. Ho, I went to a Christmas Party and got the shock of my life. The sister of my Dad's girlfriend said she had sex with MY MOM!! Should I ask my mom if she is a lesbian?? What would you do??
  (A)  She couldn't have said no shit like that to me!!! I would have turned that party THE FUCK OUT. (I don't mean dancing either!) Don't nobody wanna hear that shit on Christmas!! Why is she telling you?? She THIRSTY for attention and she Pussy Hungry!! Next Time.... Slap that bitch in the mouth and then say, "Good Luck Eatin Pussy with a busted Lip!! ASSHOLE!!"

Facebook Question from "TheJazzyOne"  
3. Hey Ho!! You got any fashion advice? ((By the way, You have a beautiful soul and you make amazing jewelry))
  (A) Thank You so much for your kind words!!! I do have some fashion advice. I think my friend Lolita (#FashionIcon) would agree, the best accessory you can have is a pair of shoulder pads. Shoulder pads do so much. If you got a big ass, throw on some shoulder pads! People will be to busy looking at yo shoulders to notice your giant ass. I'm wearing Shoulder Pads right now!

Youtube Question from "Sally-Mae" 
4. Hi Ho, I think I might be pregnant..... what's a girl to do??
  (A) Look bitch either YOU IS or YOU AIN'T!! Go get an abortion anyway. Cuz you seem like the kind of girl who would give birth on the toilet and say some crazy shit like "I didn't know I was pregnant!"

Twitter Question from "Susan"
5. I think my son is gay. Men call my home at all hours of the night. Can you help me?
  (A) He either Gay or Selling Dope. Either way, No the Fuck I can't. Uh... have a blessed Day.

    

                            

Text Message Question from "Jennifer"
6. Hi Branden Ho! I love your Blog! So here is the Tea, Some old lady called me a "Bitch" on the bus! What's up with that!?
 (A) Gurl, you is betta than me!! I would have got up and Did The COMPLETE FOOL on that Ass!! Try this next time, "I know I'm a Bitch!! What's yo excuse You Monkey Mouthed CUNT!!!??" 




Text Message Question from "Everybody"
7. I HATE MY JOB!!!
   (A) Sounds like you hate your job. Well, Get the fuck up and walk the fuck out. It is just that simple. I should know I did it 3 times. Each job was better than the last in my case. If you open your mouth and say "I Can't..." then you Won't. So Don't complain. If you are not willing to make a change in your life, Sit back and continue to enjoy the BullShit. People talk shit about "Quitters". I don't because I am a fuckin QUITTER! "Fuck This Shit, I Quit" are words I live by! I will QUIT before I'll enjoy the BullShit!

 Facebook Question form "Desiree"
8. Explain this??

  (A)  To the untrained eye it looks like 2 friends enjoying each others company. Because I can see BullShit from a mile away....... that is Sweet Brown and Antoine Dodson! They THIRSTY Asses!!! Both of them get on TV and Do The Fuckin Fool and now trying to milk every drop outta that 3 minutes of fame! They have set the black community back at least 1000 years with that foolishness!!! I know Sweet brown was high as a fucking kite when she was on the news! Gettin a "Cold Pop" must be code for DOPE!!!



 

Thanks For all the questions guys! If you didn't know the T before, Bitch You Know Now!!

Friends, Facebook, & Fuckery

"Thank You For Being a Facebook Friend" 
~Branden Ho!


Am I the only one who don't take Facebook seriously? I log onto facebook for 3 reasons.
1. Promote My Projects.
2. Talk Shit.
3. Uh..... um.... uh..... I guess I forgot. Maybe it's only 2 reasons.

Anyways, Facebooks, Twitters & Instagrams has worked its way into the lives of people everywhere and now NOBODY got any social skills!!!! Ain't that some shit!! Let me list some examples. 

Do you know bitches like these? Is it You??

1. ((Friends with their Parents)) As soon as the shit gets heavy, the fight spills onto FB and the mother gets called a Bitch!! 2 weeks later they are friends again. Until the next fight and Daddy gets called a Cunt. Your parents must be fine with you being a Drug Addict and a Whore.

2. ((Thirsty Bitches)) You know them, people that be doin WAY too much. Drinking and Ballin EVERY NIGHT OF THE FUCKING WEEK, Volunteer work at the kids school, Church Deacon Board Meetings, Making it rain down at the strip club, Bible Study every other night, Smoking Drugs all day long...... 
Bitch Pleaze Come Off The BullShit!! When the fuck do you go to work??? Oh, you DON'T!!! 

3. ((The Couple)) The second some shit Jump Off everybody on Facebook be the first ones to hear about it!!! All the shitty details! Y'all provide all the gossip and have the nerve to get angry when people ask what's going on!!!
We get it!! Yo Pussy TOO BIG and His Dick is TOO SMALL!! Fix yo shitty relationship and Get Off The Internets!!!

4. ((The Break Takers)) The people who be on Facebook ALL FUCKING DAY, involved in all types of foolishness, and randomly say... "I'm taking some time off of FB. I just need a Break." Like it is a fucking JOB!!
A break from WHAT!!! Your Self Imposed FUCKERY??? Here is a tip, Stop being friends with HOES YOU DON'T KNOW!! If they full of shit in Real Life.... They Full Of SHIT on the internet too!! Stop mashing the "like" button on all the bullshit you see!! So you like "Bad Bitches From Da Hood" do you have to like the page??? No Bitch you don't!

5. ((News Watchers)) They wait until some tragic shit happen, break the sad news on Facebook, and then do the Fucking Fool!!!
Look Bitch you ain't the only one with a Fucking TV!! I know what's going on!!! I don't need to post Status after Status after Status talking about it, giving all Opinion and NO SOLUTION! If you say "I'm gonna pray for this country." THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PRAY AND GET OFF THE DAMN INTERNET!!!!

6. ((Whores)) Honey, everybody know you selling pussy. Get off FB and Sell it on THE STREETS like everybody else!!

7. ((Parents of small kids)) I don't even wanna be friends with YOU, why the fuck would I be friends with your Nutty Ass Kids?!?!

8. ((Taggers)) <also see 'Thirsty Bitches'> You know these Fuckers!!! They will post a picture of any and everything and tag you in it!! 
((I don't wanna be tagged in a picture of a Dead Body!! Who is this bitch!? I wasn't at this Piece Of Shit Ass Funeral!! STOP CHECKING ME INTO PLACES!!! I don't need every-damn-body to know where I am at all times!! Are you that STARVED for ATTENTION you need everybody to know you at the abortion clinic??


Are you askin what's the T? The T is..... Facebook ain't Shit! 

Catfish & Dick Pix!

Is anybody else watching that delicious show called CatFish on MTV? Well here is the T! It ain't got shit to do with fishing! Its all about people falling in love on the internets and finding out the person they love sooooooo much is somebody else! Imagine that, bitches tellin lies on the damn internet! So far I've seen 2 episodes and I am hooked! The one I saw today takes the fucking cake! This young white guy started talking to this "Hot Babe" on Facebook 2 years ago. She don't have a phone so she can't talk and no computer of her own so no video chat. Now, I'm thinking.... she full of shit! Who the fuck don't have a phone?? Every low life, raggedy, bitch in America got a phone! For 2 years they been messaging each other on fb every night sayin "I love You" and all that sweet shit. She even sends him some dirty messages talking about how she wants to "Blow Him" that's right, Pretty Mouth, Oral Sex, Lip Service! Then had the nerve to ask for some pictures! 

                                                                                     

He sends them! He sent her pictures of his Rock Hard Dick. To me this sounds crazy as Fuck! You can't get no pictures of my Dick, Butt Hole, or my Nips when we ain't talked on the phone, face to face, or video chat!  ((However)) I will send somebody a pic of my ass with a message saying "You can Kiss my Whole Ass." But that ain't what this is about! So they figure out her story is a bit shady and they arrange to meet her. They go to her house expecting to see some Hot Blonde Bombshell and a Fat, Black, Gay Man come to the door and was like "Yes, I'm Amanda!" BAM!! The bullshit hit the fan! The white guy kept his cool but you know he felt like shit on the inside! He been talkin all hot and sexy and sending dick pictures for 2 years to another MAN! The gay guy been doing this shit for YEARS! Using this profile doing the same thing to at least 100 guys! Needless to say this fucker got a collection of Dick Pictures that would make Bishop Eddy Long jealous like a Mutha Fucker!
I know y'all thinking What's Really The T? Here it is!

 The next time you get on the internet talking hot & sexy and sending Rock Hard Dick Pictures to some bitch who don't even have a phone.... don't do it bitch!! Because it is a crazy bitch on the other end, Pussy Drier than Graham Crackers, laughing at Yo THIRSTY ASS!!!   

Stay Blessed Bitches!!!

Taxi, Taxi ((May 24, 2008))

You Need another Abortion??

Today I was on the phone with a friend and after we finished discussing the latest plans for BullShit and Fuckery, she found a funny ad on Craigs List. A girl in her early 20's placed an ad looking for a Ride. The girl said she will be having an Abortion next week and needs a ride home after the procedure. She don't care who responds, she just needs a damn ride! 


With these High Ass Gas Prices! Honey, Get the Bus to the Abortion Clinic and Catch a taxi home! Yess Bitch a Fuckin TAXI!! Where in the hell are her friends? I would call My Friends RIGHT AWAY! If I call you and say "I need an Abortion!"..... Bitch, you betta pick up that phone so damn Quick, you'll get Ear Burn!! Ain't No Way In Hell I would be sittin up in an Abortion Clinic OR a damn Taxi by myself! 


What's Really The T?? Some people got a lot of fuckin nerve. They want all types of shit from you. Money, Babysitting, Good Advice, a fucking shoulder to cry on, and when YOU need something Them HOES ain't NOWHERE to be found!! With as many Baby Showers, Birthday Parties, Weddiings, Holiday Parties, Divorces, Hospital Visits, Periods, DRY ASS Phone Calls, Salty Throats, Abortions, Bullshit, and Fuckery that I been through with my friends!! Shit, Somebody Better throw my ass an Abortion Party!! 

Quote of the Day:
"Taxi, Taxi, Give me a ride. I'm gonna take you to the other side. Taxi, Taxi, Turn off your lights. I'm gonna ride with you all Night!"
~Cher

Porn & The Special Olympics ((2010))

Let me start by saying...uh Retarded People Hate The FUCK Outta me. Now on with the story!

A few weeks ago I was house sitting for a relative and the phone rang. The caller ID said 'Special Olympics'.

I'm thinking, "What's Really The T? Don't no retarded people stay here."

My inside voice said, "Bitch, Answer The Phone!!"

So I picked up the line and said "Hello?". 

Needless to say they asses wanted money! Money I did NOT have!

So the lady on the phone tells me some sad ass story about retarded kids needing money for games or drugs or some other nutty Shit. She offered me a free 1 year subscription to any 3 magazines in exchange for a small donation. Then the conversation went like this...



Me: That sounds GREAT!
Her: What magazine would like?
Me: Latin Inches. 
Her: (silence and typing) Uh...um.. We don't have that magazine.
Me:  Do you have Black Inches? 
Her: Uh... No, we don't have that one either.
Me: What about regular Inches? You got that?! 
Her: Oh... Uh... We don't have that. What kind of magazines are these?
Me: Gay Porn!!
Her: Sir, we don't have 'Those kinds' of magazines.
Me: Oh, you don't?? Well Honey, I DON'T HAVE TIME 4 "Yo Kind Of BULLSHIT!! 

Needless to say.... I got off that phone Faster Than Al Sharpton at a Klan Meeting! Lady have you lost yo Fuckin mind? Ain't no way in the FUCK I am giving you my hard earned dollars so these retarded kids can buy drugs and you not provide me Quality Magazin es!!




 That is when I knew the BullShit at the Special Olympics had reached an all time LOW! 




Maybe if these kids got off them damn drugs and read an issue of Latin Inches they would discover Life ain't all about fun and games!! Do you see anybody giving out Gold Medal Awards to the guy with the best Foreskin? NO! Because Life Is HARD!

The T of the day: 

"I may be new to Retardation but Bitch, I am NOT new to Stunts!"  ~Branden Ho!