Fuck Zumba............ Foreals!!

Before I talk about the bullshit that is Zumba, I need to explain why I was there in the first place. During my last visit to the doctor I found out I gained 30 fuckin pounds in 3 months. It had been exactly 3 months since I started a new job. (The Food Is GOOD!!)  
That makes 50 pounds I gained in 1 year. That equals FUCKIN CRAZY FAT! So I joined a gym last month. 

The Journey:
Well, you know what they say, "The Journey Of a Thousand Hoes Start With One Step." 
I started my workouts simple, Walk the track, Hit the treadmill, Do some FaceBook, A lil Instagrams, and Hit The Showers!! First month I lost 20 Fuckin Pounds!!! So I thought its time to mix it up a bit, you know try some new shit, why not Zumba! The people on TV look like they havin a good time. My Inside Voice said "Nah Bitch, that's TV. You can't dance so Fuck that class and go back to the Locker Room!" I should have listened. The class was an hour long and I had pumped myself up with all kinds of excitement about this class. Telling myself shit like "Ooooh Bitch! You gone get in there and wear that dance floor out!!" "Yesssss Bitch! GET IT!! And Once You Got It....... Get Some More!!!" But my Inside Voice was sayin, "Bitch Is You Serious??!!"

So the door open and me and 15 ladies walk in. I'm thinking "Where is all the men?" ((That was the first sign of the BullShit)) The instructor didn't say shit to us. No "Welcome", No "How y'all doing" She just turned on the damn music and started dancing. So, I started dancing too! I quickly realised I knew NONE of the fucking dance moves and all of these women been in this class before!! So that made me the Fat Ho in the back Stumblin' and Fumblin' makin an ASS outta myself!! 

I'm sure I looked like this after 5 minutes.... (Like a Fuckin FOOL)

  
It just kept Going and going and going! Nonstop. I was waiting on the song to end so I could breathe! My 9th grade dance class with Mrs. Rowland ain't got SHIT on Zumba!!! I was sweating like Conrad Murray at a LaToya Jackson concert!!! 





It was too much for me. Everybody else is dancing and smiling having a good ass time. I was about to loose my shit. It was hot as fuck in that studio. It had to have been 100 fuckin degrees! How many damn times can I "Drop It Like Its Hot" "Shake Dat Ass" and "Dip It Down Low"?? 
Clearly Not Enough!!! 
On top of all that, I was wearing a Jockstrap for the first time! That Mutha Fucker was GIVIN MY FAT ASS THE BUSINESS!!!! It was Official I HAD ENOUGH!! "I've Fucking HAD IT!! OFFICIALLY!"
I look at the clock and only 15 minutes had passed....... I said, "FUCK THIS SHIT!! I QUIT!! 

 As soon as the music stopped I grabbed my towel and walked The Fuck outta that Hot Ass room!!! I sat down and it took 30 minutes for me to stop sweating!!!
 If this was a RuPaul Drag Race Lip Sync for yo life, I would have Turned That Shit Completely The Fuck Out!!! But This was NOT That! 
After 15 minutes of Zumba, If I didn't know what the Tea was I sure as Fuck Know Now!!!

I'll NEVER DO THAT SHIT AGAIN!!!