Taxi, Taxi ((May 24, 2008))

You Need another Abortion??

Today I was on the phone with a friend and after we finished discussing the latest plans for BullShit and Fuckery, she found a funny ad on Craigs List. A girl in her early 20's placed an ad looking for a Ride. The girl said she will be having an Abortion next week and needs a ride home after the procedure. She don't care who responds, she just needs a damn ride! 


With these High Ass Gas Prices! Honey, Get the Bus to the Abortion Clinic and Catch a taxi home! Yess Bitch a Fuckin TAXI!! Where in the hell are her friends? I would call My Friends RIGHT AWAY! If I call you and say "I need an Abortion!"..... Bitch, you betta pick up that phone so damn Quick, you'll get Ear Burn!! Ain't No Way In Hell I would be sittin up in an Abortion Clinic OR a damn Taxi by myself! 


What's Really The T?? Some people got a lot of fuckin nerve. They want all types of shit from you. Money, Babysitting, Good Advice, a fucking shoulder to cry on, and when YOU need something Them HOES ain't NOWHERE to be found!! With as many Baby Showers, Birthday Parties, Weddiings, Holiday Parties, Divorces, Hospital Visits, Periods, DRY ASS Phone Calls, Salty Throats, Abortions, Bullshit, and Fuckery that I been through with my friends!! Shit, Somebody Better throw my ass an Abortion Party!! 

Quote of the Day:
"Taxi, Taxi, Give me a ride. I'm gonna take you to the other side. Taxi, Taxi, Turn off your lights. I'm gonna ride with you all Night!"
~Cher

Porn & The Special Olympics ((2010))

Let me start by saying...uh Retarded People Hate The FUCK Outta me. Now on with the story!

A few weeks ago I was house sitting for a relative and the phone rang. The caller ID said 'Special Olympics'.

I'm thinking, "What's Really The T? Don't no retarded people stay here."

My inside voice said, "Bitch, Answer The Phone!!"

So I picked up the line and said "Hello?". 

Needless to say they asses wanted money! Money I did NOT have!

So the lady on the phone tells me some sad ass story about retarded kids needing money for games or drugs or some other nutty Shit. She offered me a free 1 year subscription to any 3 magazines in exchange for a small donation. Then the conversation went like this...



Me: That sounds GREAT!
Her: What magazine would like?
Me: Latin Inches. 
Her: (silence and typing) Uh...um.. We don't have that magazine.
Me:  Do you have Black Inches? 
Her: Uh... No, we don't have that one either.
Me: What about regular Inches? You got that?! 
Her: Oh... Uh... We don't have that. What kind of magazines are these?
Me: Gay Porn!!
Her: Sir, we don't have 'Those kinds' of magazines.
Me: Oh, you don't?? Well Honey, I DON'T HAVE TIME 4 "Yo Kind Of BULLSHIT!! 

Needless to say.... I got off that phone Faster Than Al Sharpton at a Klan Meeting! Lady have you lost yo Fuckin mind? Ain't no way in the FUCK I am giving you my hard earned dollars so these retarded kids can buy drugs and you not provide me Quality Magazin es!!




 That is when I knew the BullShit at the Special Olympics had reached an all time LOW! 




Maybe if these kids got off them damn drugs and read an issue of Latin Inches they would discover Life ain't all about fun and games!! Do you see anybody giving out Gold Medal Awards to the guy with the best Foreskin? NO! Because Life Is HARD!

The T of the day: 

"I may be new to Retardation but Bitch, I am NOT new to Stunts!"  ~Branden Ho!

The Ho! Health Crisis!

So I'm writing this blog entry to clear some things up. Because I am an Internet Celebrity, ((Yeah Bitch I Said It!)) I don't want the rumors to spread and burn outta control. It has not been easy balancing a full time job, a weekly volunteer gig, and being the writer, director, and Star of a popular animated Internet series. Simdaddy Productions So I went to the doctor after my Wrestlemania Vacation and The Shit Got HEAVY! 


I find out I had a hernia (I knew that. Reason for the visit) High Blood Pressures, a high BMI (body mass index) and something might be wrong with my kidneys. I said, "Shit!! JESUS take The Wheel!!" Good news was I don't have "DiaBettus"!! So my doc put me on BP meds and sent me to the doctor who would perform my hernia surgery. So I visit the new doc and he checks me out. Feeling the belly area where the hernia was located. He told me I would have to take time off work starting that day. (Music to my ears cuz I work at a BullShit Factory) He explained the procedure and told me what to expect and all that jazz. Then he dropped a BOMB that EXPLODED in my face and left me Speechless! That's crazy cuz Ho! always got something to say!


The doctor asked my age, I said 31 and he goes "Ahh a young man!" I laugh cuz he said I was still young. Then he asks if I ever had a prostate exam. I said no, and I was thinking "Okay bitch, time to get up, put yo shirt on and get the fuck outta here!" He explains to me that guys my age are being diagnosed with prostate and colon cancer and he wanted to give me a prostate exam. The look on my face must have been BLANK AS HELL! Cuz my mind was racing trying to come up with an excuse or a reason to leave. I couldn't come up with SHIT! For a brief moment my head was EMPTY! The only thing I could say was "Okay." My Inside Voice was saying something completely different!! 


Inside Voice: BITCH! Is you crazy!! Remember what you did last night?!?! 
Doc: ((Explains Butt Procedure)) Blah, Blah, Blah,...... Blah.
Me: Okay....
Inside Voice: He gone shove his WHOLE FIST up OUR ASS and lose his watch! BITCH, SAY NO!!!
Me: Okay...


So as I get into position (pants around my ankles, cold breeze on my naked ass) ALL I could think was "DON'T GET AN ERECTION". With his finger jammed up my ass... There was a KNOCK ON THE DOOR!!!  Then I turned over on my back so he could check my pelvic area..... and my dick fell out!
Inside Voice: His work is on the BELLY NOT THE BOOTY!
I was scheduled  for hernia surgery a few weeks later.


June 15th Surgery Day.


I went to the hospital Servin Up Pre-Sergical Realness!! Thank GOD I was near the ER cuz If any of my friends saw what I look like in my natural state..... they would Fall The Fuck OUT!!! They tell you to come in with no Jewelry, make-up, penis piercings, lotion, wigs, jockstraps, deodorant, cock rings, perfumes, nipple clamps, contacts, NOTHING!! I said I might as well show up naked DAMN!!! I have my first surgery and I was in the O.R for about 5 hours. My hernia was complex and I had two of them fuckers! Talk about a surprise! When they woke me up The  FIRST thing I said "Hey!! What the Hell Happen to my WIENER!!!??" They explained to me they put a catheter in. All in all, the procedure went very well. Almost no pain at all. I was released from the hospital the next day. My nurses & CNAs were GREAT! Recovery is going well. To everybody who asked...... I DID NOT HAVE FUCKIN WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!! Every time a fat bitch get hospitalized people always assume its because they got FIXED! Not the case with this Ho!


So Here Is The T! (Shit I learned the hard way)
1. When you laid up on the operating room table fast asleep, somebody WILL lube up they hands and  fondle your dick. 
2. Having a tube going through yo Pee Hole to yo bladder AIN'T FUN!
3. Whenever a good lookin doctor jam his finger up my ass....... I WILL get an erection.... EVERY TIME!
4. When a doctor say "Mr. Ho, can I see the tip of your penis? Can you pull the foreskin back?" and the door is WIDE OPEN, Its time to Go The Fuck Home!! ((I don't have any foreskin!))
5. When yo BFF don't call, text, or facebook message you during the whole ordeal...... She Don't Give A Fuck! Showing up at my house early as shit, 3 days later, leaving me a voice mail message after a month of not talking to me..... Only means You Don't Give A Fuck, We Not Friends, and I'm Fine. Thanks For Asking!


And That's The T! Stay Healthy Bitches!!! 

Wrestlemania Fuckery!

I went to Wrestlemania back in April. It was my first time in Miami and my first Wrestlemania. Before I go any further, let me just say the Show was AWESOME!!!! So you may be thinking "What's The T?" The T is the BullShit!!! I went with a guy who was a friend and most importantly a wrestling fan. We had been to a WWE live event here (Detroit, MI) but never out of town. It seemed like the perfect idea. I always wanted to go and this time I could afford it and he never been sooooo What The Hell...... We goin to MIAMI!! The plan went like this, I buy the Wrestlemania tickets, we pay for our own travel, and he pay for the hotel.


PROBLEM #1 He could not fly cuz he BIG AS HELL. Well not a problem, I love road trips so we went Greyhound. Plus it was so much cheaper than a plane ticket. It took a day and a half to get there. I was ready for the long journey! I had my music, snacks, and a book, (Ho! is always ready!) So we get to Miami at 1:30 AM Saturday.
 
Problem #2 We can't check in with his reservations until 3 PM. REALLY BITCH!!?? He said we can hang out in the lobby until then. I said "No the fuck I can't!" That was like 14 hours Fuck That Shit! So I paid for the first night. Saturday at Noon they can't find his reservations. This bitch did not call the hotel ahead of time to make sure everything was set up. He used a third party website and assumed it was all set. When you travel this far from home..... MAKE SURE ALL YO SHIT IS TOGETHER! It took about 2 hours to figure that shit out. 
Truth is, I was already sick of his ass! We had been in Miami less than 24 hours and I wanted to Punch this bitch in the throat! So we talked on Saturday (after the foolishness at the front desk) he told me that he uses HAIR SPRAY because he is too fuckin lazy to put on lotion. You got to be ONE LAZY ASS BITCH to spray yo Big Ass Body down with hair spray. He thought we had a great view from our hotel window. WE DID NOT! Let me show you the view......

As you can see South Beach is way across town! This hotel wasn't SHIT! So the day of Wrestlemania  (Sunday) I was not in the mood for bullshit and that is all he was serving. I think he is some kind of retard cuz he couldn't do shit but eat. He was trying to flirt with me or something but I shut that shit Down! I had to call a taxi to the hotel so I send him inside to get the address and he come out with nothing. He said it was too much to remember!! REALLY BITCH?? So I went in and got it myself. Then we get in the taxi headed to the arena, I was super excited and then the Shit got Heavy when we pulled up to the Sun Life Stadium. I pay the driver and jump out at the main gate. I get out the street and turn around and see this bitch still in the taxi!! He got pissed with me cuz I didn't wait on his fat ass to get out the car!! He said to me... "I don't get you! Why did you leave me? Just walk away then!". I looked at him like he was a fucking Unicorn!! Then I left him in the parking lot with 78 Thousand people! I kept my cool, I didn't flip out on him, I said 'Fuck This' and left. I had a great time at the show but I HATED THE FUCK OUTTA HIM. Then there was still 2 more days in Miami and 2 days for the long ass trip back home. I did not speak to him at ALL. 4 fucking days of SILENCE! So I know y'all thinking Is That It?  Fuck NO!! Let me give you the rest of the T!

 1. He would sit in the hotel room all damn day and not let Housekeeping in to clean or bring fresh towels or toilet paper. Look at that shit!!!
I went in to shave and there was 1 square left!! I thought to myself, "I bet you dollars to fuckin donuts he will try to wipe his Massive Ass with that one square!" I was right cuz 20 minutes later.... it was gone!


2. His bag was as big as mine and he didn't even bring soap or a razor. Don't listen to me shave with my new clippers and fuckin ask if you can use them!! NO BITCH!!! I would Shave every strand of hair off my ass b4 I let you use anything of mine!!!


3. He took a DUMP and left the bathroom door open. Then had the nerve to look at me like "Ain't no toilet paper." Sorry Bitch! I'd wipe my ass with a fuckin cactus before I give you the satisfaction of hearing my voice! You Nasty Fuck!


4. I was watching TV and he started to choke. I paid him no attention. That foolishness went on for almost 5 minutes.


5. He said, "I need to leave the AC on all night because If I get hot I'll have a seizure." I said, "You Full Of Shit." then I turned it off and he woke up sweatin his ass off!!


6. He sat in his bed and ate a WHOLE CHICKEN and 3 sides and FUCKIN CAKE!! He ate like a Wild Animal!! 


7. He took a shower and had to air dry. I took a shower and dried off with a FRESH TOWEL. When he asked if he could use MY towel I said, "NO! The last thing I need on MY towel is all that damn HAIR SPRAY!!!"


8. I was gonna 'Smothercate' that bitch while he was sleep. My cousin told me not to do it cuz they don't have Gay Porn and Klondike Bars in PRISON.  
             ((Smother + Suffocate = smothercate))


He clearly thought this was gonna be one of them Fuck Vacations...... Reality Check BITCH!!!!! I don't put my Dick near BITCHES I HATE!!!!! This bitch TRULY DID THE FOOL every day of this vacation!! B4 we left the city of Miami..... we were no longer friends! Here is The T! If you know you ain't shit, Stay The Fuck Away From Me!! Miss Me With The BullShit Completely!